September 2009
30 posts
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“Brody’s girlfriend Jayde (who spells her name like a drag queen) is afraid...”
– ~ Gawker
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Homecoming Queen
Mom: I’ve got to go. I’m taking Zoe on a walk.
me: Okay, bye. Don’t let her get eaten by a coyote.
Mom: Oh! Guess what. Guess who just won homecoming queen.
me: Of what? High school?
Mom: Yes! Oh my gosh, guess.
me: Sarah Patterson.
Mom: NOPE. Guess again.
me: I don’t know anyone else in high school right now.
Mom: Okay, I’ll give you a hint. Her name starts with a “C.”
me: Yeah, I’ve got nothing.
Mom: Think really hard.
me: I am. I don't know, just tell me.
Mom: Okay, here's another hint: you used to babysit her.
me: Oh...Elizabeth?
Mom: YES!
me: Mother. Elizabeth does not start with a “C.”
Mom: Oh, well I was thinking about her mom, Catherine, but you know what I mean.
me: Okay, I’m gonna let you go. [hang up on her]
Mom: [calls me back]
me: Hi.
Mom: No, I’m gonna let YOU go. [hangs up on me]
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Jon Dropped from Jon and Kate Plus 8 →
LOVE THIS. And also, I’m taking bets on what his new reality show will be called.
My first guess: Jon and Hailey Plus Genital Herpes
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Internal Monologue: 32,000 Feet Edition
11: 45 am: [boarding announcement]
11: 46 am: Time to text all of my immediately family members to say I love you.
12: 00 pm: [board the plane]
12: 01 pm: Let’s see… I’m in 11F. Ok, that’s one, two, three rows behind the exit. Not bad. And I’m in front of the wing. Chances of surviving a crash: moderate.
12: 08 pm: Are you kidding. ARE YOU KIDDING. This woman is 350 lbs. She is going to box me in during an evacuation. I hate the window seat. I hate Northwest.
12: 10 pm: [watch intently as the flight attendant gives the exit row passengers their instructions]
12: 11 pm: That asshole isn’t even listening. I hate him.
12: 35 pm: Ohhhh God. Oh God, oh God, oh God. I hate taking off, I hate taking off. This runway feels too short. Are we careening off?
12: 37 pm: Minimal cloud coverage, just get through the clouds. What was that noise?
12: 40 pm: Ok, focus on this magazine. Jesus, LeAnn Rimes is such a slamtroll.
12: 37 pm: Ah, we’re turning. I hate when we turn. This is a shotty turn. No really, this is a weird turn. We’re vertical. This plane is vertical.
12: 45 pm: Have we reached our cruising altitude yet? I need to listen to music. Is it safe to turn on electronic devices yet? Why is this taking so long?
12: 48 pm: [electronic devices announcement]
12: 49 pm: Who will calm me down? Beyonce? No. That bitch flies G5s, she wouldn’t understand. Kelly? YES, Kelly. She’s been through a lot of adversity. Like being fat, then skinny and then fat again.
12: 50 pm: My liiiiiiiiiiiiife would suck withooooooouuuutttt you.
12: 52 pm: Whose life would suck without me if I died on this plane? Pete’s would. Totally. He would be a mess. There is no way he could pay our rent.
12: 53 pm: Oh this is good. I like this. We’re level, we’re smooth, it’s sunny. Ahhhh..... I might just rest my eyes for a second.
12: 57 pm: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
12: 58 pm: [captain announcement about rough turbulence]
12: 59 pm: Oh God. I can’t believe we’re going to crash. I can’t believe I’m going to die alone on a business trip on a connecting flight between Detroit and Madison, Wisconsin. I should have lived my life more fully. What was I waiting for? If I survive this, Pete and I are going to get married immediately and have four babies and I’ll never fly again.
1: 05 pm: [rough air ends]
1: 06 pm: You are being ridiculous. Remember what Papa said. If the plane is bumpy, that’s fine. It just means there is air under the wings. Vibrating is what you need to worry about because it indicates something technical is wrong.
1: 08 pm: Pshh, I really think I’m getting better about flying. I know I am!
1: 10 pm: THE ENTIRE PLANE IS VIBRATING. What was that? Did the engine just shut off?
1: 20 pm: I suppose the engine is still on.
1: 25 pm: [announcement about final descent]
1: 26 pm: I feel like he’s taking us down too fast. Whoa, this is too fast. We are way too close to these houses. Oh look, those people have an above ground pool. Holy shit, we are going to land in this cul-de-sac.
1: 28 pm: Did the landing gear come out? It sounds like it’s stuck. It’s definitely stuck. When we skid along the runway on the plane’s belly and the gas tanks explode, which rows will it affect first?
1: 32 pm: [plane lands and flight attendant announces local time] Wow. That felt longer than an hour.
1: 49 pm: [enter airport] Where is baggage claim?
1: 52 pm: Oh! There’s a Popeyes. I wonder if I have time for a biscuit.
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True Confessions: I’m Not A Normal Human Edition ...
I tell on people who leave their iPods on during take-off and landing because I’m terrified they’re going to scramble the radar.
I openly sobbed during a “5 Years of Daisy and Jessica” slideshow on People.com this morning, but skipped over the Patrick Swayze memorial article.
I judge people with unfortunate-looking children.
I smile really big and sometimes wink at suspicious looking people...
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Pulling Teeth
When I was little and had my first loose tooth, I wiggled it around for days and complained that it hurt and I couldn’t eat. After a few days my mom said, “Come here pumpkin, and let me feel how loose it is.” So I walked up to her, mouth wide open, so proud of my wobbly little tooth. She reached in there and said “Ohhh, it is [YANKED IT OUT] pretty loose.” I was furious that she pulled it,...
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WatchPete and I walked home through Washington Square Park tonight after celebrating our 3-year anniversary at one of our favorite restaurants. We stumbled upon a cellist playing under the arch, so we stopped to watch him play for a few minutes. As we pulled our jackets tight and stood there in the crisp fall air, I realized that we are also very much in love with New York.
“It is the Southern part of me which is most quintessentially and fiercely alive.”
– ~Pat Conroy, The Prince of Tides
9/11 by the Numbers →
pop-enomics:
The initial numbers are indelible: 8:46 a.m. and 9:02 a.m. Time the burning towers stood: 56 minutes and 102 minutes. Time they took to fall: 12 seconds. From there, they ripple out.
Total number killed in attacks (official figure as of 9/5/02): 2,819
Number of firefighters and paramedics killed: 343
Number of NYPD officers: 23
Number of Port Authority police...
John Mayer - Heart of Life
John reminds me of...
My asshole best friend from college is not taking...
Oscar: We thought of something for you to do at the wedding. me: Like a very important job? Since you robbed me of my real one? Oscar: Yes. me: Okay, what is it? Oscar: We need you to drive the car back to the hotel after the ceremony. me: DONE. So that would be called like, what? Chief Wedding Officer? Transport of Honor? Oscar: Yeah, exactly. me: Which one? Oscar: The third one.
Sparrow James Midnight Madden is here. →
I love how celebrities are literally just like, “Eff it” now with their baby names. I’m going to name my first one Yellow Oprah Dunkin Noon.
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I die.
Pete: Guess who I just saw on the way back to our apartment.
me: Who?
Pete: Rachel Zoe's assistant.
me: WHAT.
Pete: What's his name, Robert?
me: SHUT UP. You saw Brad?!
Pete: Yep, walking into 60 Thompson.
me: Oh, they are definitely staying there for Fashion Week!
Pete: Fo sho.
me: I die, I die, I DIE. What was he wearing?
Pete: Jeans.
me: Not helpful.
Pete: Button down shirt, nice shoes…like electric blue shoes.
me: Better. WHAT COLOR BOW TIE?
Pete: I don't think there was a bowtie.
me: Was he with Taylor?! Are you sure Rachel wasn't there?
Pete: No, I was secretly looking for them though.
me: Babe, really GOOD SPOT. That is bananas. I'm proud of you for being on your A game.
Pete: Thanks.
me: Now go see if you can find an Olsen. Then stall her with witty conversation until I can get there.
Pete: Okay, I'll try.
me: Well, with that attitude, just forget it. You’ll never find one.
Pete: You can't look for them, babe. You have to let them come to you. I didn't try to find Braditude.
me: I love that you pretended you didn’t know his name a minute ago.
WatchThe City: Season 2 Trailer Premiere This nonsense will NEVER get old to me.
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Sin Bin: Packing Edition
Pete [from the living room]: Are you packing in there?
Me [from the bedroom]: Yep!
Pete: You sound a little out of breath.
Me: No, I'm fine. Just stressed about what to bring! What's the weather suppo...
Pete: [Runs in and catches me doing the Superman dance in the full-length mirror] I KNEW IT.
Anger Management
I’ve been uncharacteristically angry today. Not sure where it’s coming from, but the following events have filled me with RAGE (all-capital-letter rage, which is the worst kind):
Someone asked me to set up a meeting and then “tentatively accepted” my Outlook invitation. REALLY? NOW YOU’RE TENTATIVELY INVITED.
I checked Wachovia and saw that my boyfriend cashed the check I wrote him for half...
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Current.com: Laura Ling and Euna Lee Make First... →
“At the same time, though, we do not want our story to overshadow the critical plight of these desperate defectors… Many people have asked about our strength to endure such hardships and uncertainty. But our experiences pale when compared to the hardship facing so many people living in North Korea or as illegal immigrants in China. “ “We hope that now, more than ever, the...