July 2009
30 posts
2 tags
2 tags
Sin Bin: Mad Woman Edition
Me: Hey!
Pete: Hey babe.
Me: Are you ready for our first real dinner party?
Pete: Can’t wait.
Me: I’m going to wear an apron and high heels. And put my hair in a bun.
Pete: I’ll put on a suit and tie.
Me: I’ll say things like, “Well isn’t that a lovely bracelet.”
Pete: I will ask you to fetch me beers.
Me: I will punch you in the face as hard as I can.
Pete: Well, you would not have lasted very long on Mad Men.
Oscar's Wedding
[One of my best friends from college is getting married in December. Her nickname is Oscar.]
Me: Have you finalized the date yet? I need to start setting some stuff up - bachelorette party, showers, etc. And also, I need time to read a book about how to do all of that shit.
Oscar: Yes, we’ve decided December 12th is the date for sure.
Me: Okay, it’s tattooed to my calendar. So, I need to…
Oscar: [softly interrupts me] But I don’t think I’m going to have any attendants and we may just do a small ceremony for family only. And right after, we’ll have the big party.
Me: [Realize that despite all of my bitching about the “marrieds” and the dresses they might make me wear, I very much want to watch one of my best friends say her vows and stand up there with her.] ...Oh.
Oscar: But we can still spend the night together and get our hair done and do all of that beforehand.
Me: Wait. ARE YOU COCKBLOCKING ME FROM YOUR WEDDING?
Oscar: No, no. But the actual ceremony is just going to be small and then I’ll see you and your parents at the reception.
Me: Well are you going to have security outside the church or something?
Oscar: Of course not.
Me: [Realize who this wedding is really about and maturely accept my friend’s important and personal decision] Well then I’m getting in, you asshole. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me.
Oscar: Oh my lord. I should’ve known this was going to happen.
“My dawn moment with the skyline is a moment every New Yorker knows, when the...”
– ~Roger Cohen (via meredithnyc)
3 tags
1 tag
LGA to ATL
Mom: Does this shirt look cute?
me: Yeah. It's maybe a little dressy to fly in though.
Mom: Will you pass me my eye shadow?
me: Why are you getting so dressed up to go to the airport? It's raining.
Mom: Because it's so annoying when the papparazzi catch you going through security looking like shit.
3 tags
Frequent Flyer
Warning: Laney, please do not read this. I don’t want to freak you out before you leave for Kefalonia. Both my mom and my boyfriend think that I make shit up. One of them will come pick me up at the airport and say, “How was your flight?” Inevitably, I answer with something along the lines of, “Well, a man had a heart attack on board and they had to lay him in the aisle and shock him back to...
Toddlers & Tiaras →
My new TLC obsession while Jon and Kate Plus 8 completely self-destruct and force the kids to learn to love a stepmom with Chlamydia are on vacation this summer.
1 tag
Oh, hey.
I’m back from the longest vacation I’ve had in at least two years. (Which was FIVE days long, college students. Start applying to grad school.) I’m tan not see-through, my muscles are sore from waterskiing and laughing, and the Internet didn’t change too much while I was gone (RIP Walter Cronkite).
I’m not quite ready to rejoin society, so you’re going to have to wait until tomorrow for a...
“I mean what is even the point of having a boyfriend if he can’t watch your...”
– The Worthless One is on a conference call in the airport Starbucks and not being helpful. I’m not going to text him when we start boarding.
1 tag
Venting
Me: I am so exhausted. It's 10 pm, I'm just leaving the office and have to do like four loads of laundry when I get home. And my day tomorrow is insane.
Mom: Mine too.
Me: [ignoring her] I have a 16-wine tasting with a Bloomberg editor at 9 am, and then am hosting a panel tasting for ten people at our office which ends at 3:30, which is exactly when I have to leave to catch my flight.
Mom: Don't even get me started. Karen is coming over early to walk around the park and then I've got yoga and have to go straight to my massage.
Me: Your life is embarrassing.
Mom: AND I ordered some stuff online and your dad is working from home tomorrow.
Me: So?
Mom: So I'm tracking that shit and it is being delivered tomorrow! I don't know how I'm going to hide it from him. I swear, the one day he works from home.
Me: I'm hanging up on you.
Update: Jon Gosselin DESIGNING Ed Hardy For Kids. →
Alright, I think this is considered child abuse and qualifies as grounds for losing custody.
Fight Club
I’m in a small town outside Philadelphia tonight, visiting my bf’s family for the weekend. It’s a gorgeous area with hydrangea-laden yards, lovely farmers markets and rolling college campuses.
Every time I come here, the suburban-ness of it all lures me in and convinces me that I’d be much happier in a place where I could put my groceries in the trunk of a car instead of watching the plastic...
Gary the Landlord →
This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Start at page 3 (the link will take you there) and then read backwards. YOU FOCK.
Thanks, Kate!
1 tag
“Genna. I’m so embarrassed. I’ve never knocked over a glass with my...”
– ~Caroline Hockmeyer at Dos Caminos tonight, who has been getting me in trouble since I was 16 years old.
Juvenile Delinquent
Friend: What time do you want to go to dinner?
me: Want to come over to my place instead?
Friend: No, not really. I want to try out that tapas bar.
me: Well I can make tapas! And we can invite other people over.
Friend: No, I just want to stick with the original plan.
me: Okay. Want to do drinks at my place before?
Friend: Why are you peer pressuring me to hang out at your apartment?
me: I’m not.
Friend: Genna.
me: Well, [Boyfriend] is out of town and I feel like an unsupervised minor. I just think we should rage and maybe break something. Or whatever.
Friend: This is why you're not allowed to get married until 2020.
Thoughts During Tchaikovsky’s Overture at the...
Which section would stage the best coup? Probably the drums.
Did I turn my phone off? I think so. Oh well, it’s not like you could hear it anyway with these acoustics.
[Loud Coldplay song, followed by death glares.] Shit.
When are they going to play some Nutcracker?
Are these the same people who lug a 200 lb. cello onto the subway and take up too much room? If so, I should be...
My New Favorite Blog: Diggy Simmons - Life of the... →
Also, if you’re not watching Run’s House this summer, I feel sorry for you.
