April 2009
37 posts
Tranny Talk
Half my office building in Meatpacking is leased by a company of drag queens and transvestites. I’m not sure what they do, but sharing the elevators with them every day is always amazing. I just went out to grab lunch and had this conversation on the way up to the 7th floor. (Imagine an insanely thick, gruff, Long Island accent.)
Drag queen: Hey honey, it’s getting bad out there.
me: What, the weather?
Drag queen: Girl, not the weather, the swine flu!
me: Oh, I know. It’s completely freaking me out.
Drag queen: There’s outbreaks in Europe now. France and Spain.
me: I know, and I have to go to Spain on Sunday. I’m so nervous.
Drag queen: Oh honey. I’m glad I saw your pretty face one last time, because you’re going to die.
me: What?! Don’t say that!
Drag queen: Whatever. We’re all going to die. This is the phantom menace that’s coming to kill us all.
me: Oh, good Lord, stop it.
Drag queen: Sweetheart, it’s in the Bible. There's no stopping it. What color blush is that? I’m liking it. You know I used to do make up for celebrities, right?
WatchStand By Me “This cover of Stand By Me was recorded by completely unknown artists in a street virtual studio all around the world. It all started with a base track—vocals and guitar—recorded on the streets of Santa Monica, California, by a street musician called Roger Ridley. The base track was then taken to New Orleans, Louisiana, where Grandpa Elliott—a blind singer from the French...
Eff My Hair: The Blonde, the Brown and the Fugly
Before I begin, if you are a dude, please stop reading now. I don’t want to ruin my tomboy cred with this incredibly narcissistic and girly post. So after I posted a picture yesterday, I heard from several concerned assholes friends that my hair looked like shit. Here’s the deal. (The only reason I’m going into all of this is to warn everyone against drastic color changes.) The Blonde I have...
1 tag
Avian Homeless Flu
me: I just signed the lease. The apartment nightmare is officially over.
Mom: Yay!
me: I know! I'm so relieved. Now I just have to figure out what to do about this swine flu thing. I just don't want to be out in rural Spanish wine country and be responsible for myself and the journalists if someone gets sick. The Madrid airport is freaking me out the most.
Mom: Well I think you're just going to have to play it by ear and see how things look in the next few...
Homeless man walking by me: POW!!!!! [and spits all over my face]
me: OH MY GOD.
Mom: What?!
me: I have to go, a homeless man just spit in my face. [hang up, start running to corner coffee shop, and step on a used condom, which proceeds to get tangled up in my ballet flat]
me: [scream at the top of my lungs] ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, NEW YORK!?
Panic Monday
As I have mentioned before, I tend to scare easily. And as a result, today has sucked. Hard.
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Not sure I could have picked worse coordinates on our planet to be in during this PANDEMIC. I live in New York and am flying to northern Spain through Madrid for business on Sunday. Apparently the Madrid airport is a major hub for European travelers coming back from Mexico and...
1 tag
My First New York
rickyv:
In the current New York Magazine, there’s great feature called “My First New York,” which took familiar faces from the city and asked them to write about their first experiences here. So, for my own record, and anybody else who’d be interested, I’m going to type out mine. Reblog and do the same!
I loved this idea. Hearing about people’s stories about their first experiences in New York...
Company-wide Layoffs
me: I just sent an aggressive email to the new broker. I’ll forward it to you.
Boyfriend: Aggressive is good. It shows you're serious.
me: I’m going to be a completely different person looking at these apartments from now on. Eff [former broker] and his sweet lazy eye, HE'S FIRED and I am about to DO WORK.
Boyfriend: Good.
me: And guess what else. Steve Madden customer service is about to get a raging phone call and they’re going to give me a free pair of shoes.
Boyfriend: GOOD! See, you just need to get mad.
me: I know! I’m handing out ass-whippings and lollipops and I’m all out of lollipops.
Boyfriend: Whoah. I just read this email.
me: And?
Boyfriend: It's a little too aggressive.
me: What?
me: You’re fired too.
I AM VERY MOTHEREFFING INCONVENIENCED
Pita Grill delivered my salad without dressing and apologized for the inconvenience when I called them back.
Five minutes later, Steve Madden emailed me to let me know that the shoes I ordered yesterday (for 50% off and free shipping) are actually out of stock, but they apologized for the inconvenience.
An hour later, my broker called to let me know that the THIRD apartment he’s promised me...
If I have this conversation one more time, I’m...
Everyone: Oh my God! Your hair!
me: I know. I dyed it brown.
Everyone: Wow! You were so blonde, it’s so different. So is brown your natural color?
me: No, actually I’m a natural blonde.
Everyone: Wait, really? And you dyed it brown on purpose?
me: Yeah, I wanted to try something different.
Everyone: Oh.
1 tag
Hell Estate
I’m moving into a new apartment with my boyfriend. (Sorry, but NYC is too expensive to play around. The jig is up.) We’ve been looking since mid-March in this “soft” real estate market. Let me tell you right now, it ain’t that soft. It’s still a nightmare out there, and I’m exhausted. My boyfriend is quite practical and patient, while I am pushy, nervous and willing to sign over my Patagonia...
Stevie Wonder - Signed, Sealed, Delivered
My Bucket List
I’ve got a lot left to do.
Live abroad
Get the Temptations and/or Stevie Wonder to perform at my wedding
Stage a coup
Have a conversation with Oprah Winfrey
Go to Italy with someone I love
Work in an orphanage
Live in NYC
Produce a child with extraordinary dance and/or drumming skills
Change careers unexpectedly
Go to the Olympics
Crash a wedding
See James Taylor in...
WatchRespect.
2 tags
CNN
Speaking of confessions… I just have to get this one off my chest because it’s been weighing on me since I was six years old. It’s actually my very first memory. Are you supposed to have memories before you’re six? Hope not. So I never really had a prayer to play by the rules. There’s just something in me that’s incapable of tolerating boredom and forces me to make life more interesting – an...
1 tag
True Confessions: Good Friday Edition
I need to clean the ole sin slate before Easter weekend, so here it goes:
I blow out my hair on days when I know it’s going to rain so I can take a cab to work.
I troll the baby blogs of girls I know from college with 50% jealously of their Maclaren strollers and 50% violent disapproval of their life decisions.
I steal extra Ziploc bags from airport security lines because that shit is...
2 tags
Marissa and David
I la la la loooove when other people hate kids. Maybe it’s because I’m the oldest sibling, or because I raised several children as a babysitter or because I have 56 cousins, but I don’t think I’ve ever come across a munchkin I didn’t love. Except maybe these devil twins I used to babysit who locked me in their garage after lighting $200 worth of fireworks in it.
But anyway, I LOVE being around...