January 2009
40 posts
25 Reasons I Love My Boyfriend, Who Turns 25...
He lets me walk around CVS and Duane Reade and buy ridiculous 99 cent items that I don’t need without any judgment.
He says things like, “that guy at the party looked like Nick from Sunset Tan.”
He can pack for a week in a lunchbox-sized suitcase.
When he cooks, he gets really serious and mean and doesn’t let me in the kitchen.
He’s never, ever won a bet with me, but argues with...
Matt, Liz and Madeline →
Subway Shorts: Vegetarian Nightmare
I’m going to petition the MTA to enact a law that requires all Russian butchers to remove their bloody, meat-stained aprons before squeezing in next to me on the L train. While this proposed legislation might sound specific, I really think this is an opportunity to set a broad precedent. And it can be called Proposition Steak.
2 tags
Oh No We Can't
Mom: Papa said he doesn’t like your new intro line.
Me: Well he doesn’t like any kind of change, period. Not even Obama.
Mom: I know. Don’t worry about him.
Me: [scoffs] Pshh, I won’t.
Mom: So what are you up to tonight?
Me: Okay, bye. I’m gonna go fix it.
2 tags
Papa
My brother, sister and I call my dad “Papa.” It’s a tradition that trickled down from my mom’s Italian side of the family and we’ve called him that since we were babies.
Inevitably, we all got to that stage in childhood where we realized it was different and felt self-conscious when we said it in front of our friends or screamed it out in a store. I think all three of us tried to switch over to...
Ima Lose It.
Today is one of those days where I am about three seconds from hitting everyone in the face. So friends, colleagues, boyfriends, people on the street, consider this is your official warning to duck.
Lady Gaga - Poker Face
This song (and the strip...
Eight is Enough
Me: did you see that woman who had EIGHT babies today?
BFF: NO. Are you kidding? That makes me hurt to think about.
Me: The doctors thought she had seven and delivered all of them…
Me: and then found an eighth at the end.
BFF: WHATTTT.
BFF: How do you find another one??
Me: I don’t know, I guess he was hiding.
Me: rogue baby.
BFF: OMG. ROGUE PREEMIE.
Me: dark horse
BFF: comin’ out of nowhere.
Me: You know he's going to be so sneaky for the rest of his life.
BFF: I would never trust him.
BFF: Never.
PS:
I know everyone agrees with my ex-boyfriend and hates the new color scheme. You can stop emailing me about it, because Easter isn’t going anywhere.
xoxo
5 tags
If you sign up for this, I will get better... →
Jackie Wilson - Higher and Higher
Decided I would...
A Few Cards Short of a Full Deck
For some reason, I’ve recently had a very hard time saying clichés and common phrases correctly. I’m not sure how this happened, but I’ve started combining them, switching important words or just messing them up completely.
You would think this little quirk would make me stay away from them all together, but you’d be wrong. I’ve been saying things like, “He’s not the sharpest nail in the...
“Babe, these bitches are so crazy. I love them.”
– ~ boyfriend, while watching Real Housewives of Orange County tonight
Upgrade!
Made a few changes to Literally this weekend:
Added a search feature. Finding Suri will be so much easier now.
Changed the color scheme to “Easter Threw Up All Over This Blog.”
And… I’m now the proud owner of my very own domain name: http://literallygenevieveclare.com/. So legit.
1 tag
I teared up today when I thought the zipper had...
[About a year ago, right before I moved to the city.]
me: Now I just need to get a couple of warm layers for winter.
BFF: You have to get one of those big puffy quilted coats.
me: Ew. No. I'm not getting one of those.
BFF: I know, they're horrific, but if you want to survive the winter, you're going to need one.
me: Fine, I'll get one. But I'm telling you right now, I will never EVER wear it, no matter how cold it is.
Facebook Status: "[Redacted] is on babysitting...
Dear Future Husband,
If you ever, in any private or public forum, refer to spending time with our children in my absence as “babysitting,” I will have no choice but to run off and leave you alone with them forever.
I’m sure I’ll miss them at first, but it’ll be worth teaching you a lesson.
Loveyoumeanit!
Genna
“Living in New York is like being at some terrible late-night party. You’re...”
– Simon Hoggart (via caseyculture)
A Tale of Two "City"s
Whitney’s apartment is two blocks from my apartment. Whitney’s office is two blocks from my office. But that giraffe and I live in two completely different cities.
Her’s has a 30th floor glass balcony, cobblestone streets that you can skip through in 7-inch heels, a closet larger than my bedroom, and sweeping power ballads that fade in when her boyfriend kisses her.
Mine has...
Watchcaseyculture:
Take just three minutes to watch this. Animals - pretty amazing.
This is too sweet. I guess I’m going to have to let my kids have both a dog and an elephant.
Washing Instructions
Dear laundry bandit, The last three times I’ve tried to do laundry in our building, you (or a cockroach) have been in there. Because of you, my oversized sorority t-shirts are being used as pillow cases. After my shower last night, I dried off with three washcloths and a hand towel. And today I reached my breaking point when I had to put on a bathing suit bottom for underwear. You should...
1 tag
Last Night’s Internal Monologue: Advil Edition
3: 27 am: [Am woken up by insane, life-threatening headache.]
3: 28 am: Oh my God, OWW. Where am I? Hell?
3: 29 am: I need to take four Advil and start a Morphine drip.
3: 30 am: [Realize that I am going to have to move to get the Advil.]
3: 31 am: Moving is not an option. My brain will explode and I will die. One of my roommates will bring me the Advil.
3: 32 am: Say aloud, “Roommate?”
3: 33 am: Why are they not running in here? [Decide that I hate my roommates.]
3: 34 am: Everything looks sort of fuzzy.
3: 35 am: Sweet Jesus, I am blind. I knew it. This headache is really an aneurism and has taken my sight.
3: 36 am: [Make desperate attempt to reach for Advil without moving head off of pillow and fall off bed, smash elbow against dresser in process. Scream expletives, which intensifies headache.]
3: 37 am: I have broken my elbow. [Feel elbow.] Yep, there are bone chips floating around. [Sob uncontrollably on floor, which intensifies headache.]
3: 40 am: This is the kind of pain that you can die from. I wonder how much longer I have until I lose consciousness. [Patiently await pain blackout.]
3: 47 am: AdvilAdvilAdvilAdvilAdvilAdvilAdvilAdvil. [Knock 97% of contents off dresser.] Where is the mothereffing Advil?
3: 48 am: God, please give me back my sight and guide me to the Advil. I promise I will end my caffeine addiction, stop stealing printer paper from work, and volunteer at an orphanage.
3: 49 am: [Turn on lights and find Advil.] Thank you.
3: 49:02 am: [Take inordinate amount of Advil.]
3: 50 am: It’s not working.
3: 51 am: WHY DO I STILL FEEL PAIN?
3: 52 – 5:51 am: [Create elaborate plan to sue Advil and parent manufacturer. Decide that I will become the Erin Brockovich of ibuprofen.]
5: 52 am: [Fall asleep.]
8: 49 am: “Medium ice coffee with skim milk, please.”