July 2010
12 posts
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The Concrete is Always Greener
I sometimes get lovely emails from readers conveying something along the lines of “I’m so jealous, your life seems so exciting. It makes me want to move from [small town] to NYC.” First of all, I’m not sure what is conveying so much excitement - probably the conversations my boyfriend and I have about hairbands falling in the toilet.
But I totally get that the John Mayer middle-of-the-night...
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Fourth & Fifth Grade Poems
My mom emailed me these pictures yesterday and said, “Your dad and I found these while cleaning out my desk and have been DYING laughing all afternoon.”
My brother’s poem:
The emotional depth here is astounding. Please note the subtlety of “Buster (my dog).”
And then there’s mine:
Light and breezy. Apparently every poem in the collection is...
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Sin Bin: Lovebirds Edition
me: Hey, Kate is coming over after work today and we are getting manis/pedis, so we can do all that trip planning stuff tomorrow night.
Pete: Tomorrow night is date night.
me: Well, it might just have to be taking care of biznass night.
Pete: No - date night is DATE NIGHT.
me: Okay, then we can get all the chores done Friday night.
Pete: Friday night is grilling out night!
me: PETE.
Pete: Babe - we love each other. We can spend two nights in a row eating together.
me: Ughhhh, I just want to play with my new iPad alone.
Pete: I know you do.
me: Okay bye. Don't come home early and bug me and Kate.
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iMom
Mom: What are you doing?
me: Walking back from the Apple store. I just picked up our iPad.
Mom: Oh cool. Which one did you get?
me: Just the WiFi one, not the one with 3G.
Mom: Right, because of the glasses.
me: What do you mean?
Mom: You have to wear 3G glasses to see the 3G one, right?
me: Are you being serious?
Mom: Wait. I think I’m confused.
me: I have to go.
Mom: Wait! I got confused!! I thought it was 3D! Genna, do not put this on your…
me: [hang up]
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G-Chat: We Are Not Normal Edition
Kate: Also, I got a haircut this weekend.
me: Thank God.
Kate: Imagine me raising my hand to strike you.
me: Imagine me blocking it and then twisting your arm around behind your back.
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How Not to Quit Your Job
me: I just really feel like this is the right thing for me.
Boss Who I Love: I know, and I'm excited for you.
me: And I swear that's not a bullshit talking point. I know I sound like LeBron James right now.
BWIL: Wait, so we're loser Cleveland and the new company is Miami?
me: NO! Oh my God, no. I just meant that I sounded like him.
BWIL: I know.
me: I just need a mothereffing championship. [basketball shooting and championship ring motions]
BWIL: Too soon.
me: [shaking my head] Too soon.
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In Which I Share This Week's Lessons
MONDAY
Activity: Quit my job. I LOVE my job but accepted a new one that I think I’m going to love even more.
Key Learnings: Telling wonderful people you’re leaving is like breaking up with a hot, funny, kind boyfriend 25 times in a row. Also, do not use a joke comparing yourself to LeBron James while giving your notice. Also, great things really do happen when you least expect it....
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Thursday.
me: Let’s go see that movie tomorrow night. Wait tomorrow is Thursday right? Is today Thursday?
Kate: Today is Thursday. And I am Kate and this is New York City. Have you had a chance to catch up on the Bach?
me: YES.
Kate: What was up with Frank's camisole? I decided since he is a "retail manager" that he works at Lucky Brand.
me: I think he manages a Radio Shack.
Kate: Cape Cod Chris or bust, I say.
me: Roberto or bust.
Kate: Ali gets veneers or bust. The rest I can live with.
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June 2010
23 posts
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Chip Off the Old Block
It’s pretty well documented here that I’m a lot like my mother. But lately I’ve realized I’m also turning into my dad and it’s starting to scare me.
Exhibit A: Kate and I cleaned our plates while brunching yesterday, and when the waitress came by to ask how everything was, I responded, “Ugh, it was awful. We hated it.” AND THEN I LAUGHED BECAUSE I...
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WatchTeen Mom Season 2 Trailer
Little Bintley is getting a new daddy.
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Sin Bin: Client Entertaining Edition
me: I can't find the remote.
Pete: Maybe it's under these pillows...nope.
me: Let's watch a movie On Demand! Because we can do whatever we want!
Pete: Okay, maybe I brought it into the kitchen...no.
me: Oh I found it! It was in my left hand!
Pete: Perfect.
me: There are no good movies. Oh, Avatar!
Pete: Did you get roofied tonight?
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WatchJohn Mayer @ Village Underground last week
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Sin Bin: Bachelorette Edition
me: Why is he being so dramatic about this mold sickness?
Pete: Well it sounds like he was really sick.
me: But it was temporary and now he's fine and he's acting like he had cancer.
Pete: Well he said he went to the Mayo Clinic - that's a pretty big deal. Maybe it had long-term effects.
me: Whatever. What a baby.
[ten minutes later]
me: WAIT. Do you think I have mold illnesses from living in that horrible apartment!? The entire wall behind my bed was covered in mold underneath the paint.
Pete: Oh God.
me: WHAT?! DO YOU THINK I HAVE A DISEASE!?!
Pete: No. That guy was exposed to it for more than a year, you're fine.
me: What are you talking about?!? I lived there for a year and a half!
Pete: Don't think about it. Let's watch this deaf guy with the tattoo have a mental breakdown.
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Sin Bin: Redecorating Edition
me: I'm so excited to go look at this furniture. I think the dresser and the console are going to be exactly what we're looking for.
Pete: Yeah, they look great and I think the dimensions are perfect. Thanks so much for doing all the craigslist searching.
me: You're welcome. Thanks for letting me buy all of it.
[Twenty minutes later while carrying the furniture two blocks]
me: Why are you trying to make me drop it? Stop going so fucking fast! I can't see over your fat head.
Pete: I'm sorry you're fucking retarded and don't know how to walk.
me: I'm sorry you're deliberately leaning all the weight on my side and pushing me off the curb. I'm two seconds away from making you carry this yourself.
Pete: I hate you.
me: I hate you back and hope this falls on your foot.
[Two hours later when our living room is set up and looks amazing]
me: It looks so good! Thanks for setting up all the cords. I love it, babe.
Pete: It's like we have a new apartment! You are so good with this stuff.
me: I think our moving alter egos came out again today.
Pete: Oh they definitely did.
me: That reminded me of the day we moved in. I can't believe we've been here more than a year.
Pete: I know, I got nostalgic when you told me you were going to push me down the stairs with the dresser if I didn't slow down.
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SPF Zero
Dermatologist: It looks like your shoulder is peeling right here.
me: Oh really?
Dermatologist: Did you get a sunburn recently?
me: Um, I’m not sure – maybe. I was on vacation this weekend and I think I may have gotten a little burned the first day.
Dermatologist: Yes, this is definitely a major sunburn. Did you put any sunscreen on? How long were you out in the sun?
me: I think I was out for about two hours. Maybe three or six. The sunscreen I used turned out to be expired.
Dermatologist: That’s odd. Sunscreen usually doesn’t expire for ten years...
me: Did you check this freckle on my right arm? This one looks like it could be a problem.
Dermatologist: Do you want to me give you some prescription sunscreen so this doesn’t happen again?
me: OH MY GOD FINE. I didn't wear any sunscreen. I know it's horrible and I gave myself skin cancer. My mom already told me I am an idiot and slapped my back all weekend in case I forgot. I’m sorry and I won’t do it again, okay?
Dermatologist: Okay.
Tumblr.
[A Year Ago]
me: Bye babe, I'm going to meet up with some internet friends.
Pete: Oh good God. Bring some mace and let me memorize your outfit so I know what to tell the police.
[Last Night]
me: Bye babe, I'm going to have drinks with some internet friends.
Pete: Have fun, tell Georgina and Jen I said hi.
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The Lake By The Numbers
0: Amount of sunscreen Kate and I put on the first day
2nd: Degree sunburns we experienced as a result
1: Indian friend who made fun of her “two dumbass white friends” for the rest of the vacation
4: Noodles that were stolen from children at the pool so that we could do water aerobics
2: Parents that got drunk on the booze cruise and gave relationship advice
17: Times a Justin Bieber song...
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May 2010
9 posts
Jay-Z - 99 Problems
(via the lovely pinkhotel)
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“The most difficult task facing a writer is to find a voice in which to tell the...”
– ~John Grisham, in his commencement address at the University of North Carolina this weekend
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Back in Bidness.
Oh hello. I feel bad for neglecting this little blog while things have been fast and furious for the past several weeks. But I’m done! And I’m back. What was I up to?
Managing five major events in two cities over five days – DONE.
Walking like Ozzy Osborne and getting a sinus infection as a result of manual labor and stress– DONE.
Clearing out four back-logged weeks on my DVR this...
April 2010
20 posts
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(NEVER, EVER) Fly With Me
Much like Kate, April has been a real slamtroll to me. I won’t go into detail, but I will tell you about how my plane got struck by lighting on the way home to my grandmother’s funeral.
I purposely booked my flight for first thing in the morning on Saturday because there was a huge storm system moving in over the Eastern seaboard, and I knew I had to beat it home to avoid massive delays. I fly...
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Literally, Gone Eventin'
Just a quick note to explain my MIA-ness. Things have been and will be quiet around these parts for a little while. I’m in the home stretch of the huge series of events I’m planning, which means I’m working around the clock and having panicked dreams about thousands of broken wine bottles.
I’ll be back after I (hopefully) pull these stunts off in a couple of weeks.
In the meantime, I’ll...
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